


darling, i am a wreck when i'm without you

by delicats



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst With A Happyish Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Insecurity, Lots of kissies at the end, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, Semi Eita is a Good Significant Other, SemiShira Supremacy, Shirabu Kenjirou needs a Hug, Shiratorizawa Supremacy, Slight OOC, body image issues, does this count as a character study?, idk what to call it tbh, it's kenjirou's birthday in this, no beta read we die, no greek mythology references for once, slight kawagishi if you squint, so his 2nd year just started and he wasn't made the official setter yet in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:02:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28955406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicats/pseuds/delicats
Summary: It's his birthday so why is he crying?
Relationships: Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	darling, i am a wreck when i'm without you

**Author's Note:**

> Here you go SemiShira stans, I am here to feed you ^-^
> 
> Also I haven't proofread this so if there are any mistakes or errors please point them out

Tuesday, 4th May.

When Kenjirou woke up he felt two sturdy arms encircle his waist, and his own arms were loosely wrapped around some person’s chest. He knew for a fact that Taichi was staying over at Tsutomu’s dorm, so he had the dorm all to himself.

This would have been extremely concerning and he would have been horrified and would have pushed this person off of the bed but this action was stopped when he smelt a familiar bergamot mixed with rosemary.

_ He relaxed. _

He was in the arms of his boyfriend, Semi Eita. How he forgot the other stayed over baffled him but his mind was too foggled with sleep, so he stayed put and started running his fingers through Eita’s fluffy ash colored hair. 

After two minutes passed, Kenjirou carefully escaped from Eita’s arms and sat up, rubbing his eyes. He checked his phone and it was 7:05. School starts at 8:45 so he had a lot of time right now. 

He groggily walked to the bathroom and took a quick shower. 

  
  
  
  


Stepping out of the shower, he went towards the mirror and wiped the fog off, leaving him to stare into his caramel eyes. 

He stood there in silence. His wet sloping bangs stuck to his forehead. Hesitantly, he reached out his hand to brush them aside but he couldn’t help but cringe when he saw his forehead. Some light acne could be seen. He knew it wasn’t  _ that  _ bad but it still looked awful. He couldn’t help the fact that it made him want to vomit.

That reminded him of whenever the volleyball team would score in a match, Eita would always rush into _his_ embrace and hug _him_ first. He would hold the younger in his arms and Kenjirou couldn’t help but lightly smile at the memory of the stars in the older’s eyes and the way his mouth would curl upwards in the most beautiful smile the caramel haired boy had seen.

Usually he would lift him up and do a little twirl. That little twirl always made Kenjirou lose his mind. Then he would delicately lift his bangs and kiss him in the top of the middle of his forehead. 

It was stupidly cute and stupidly endearing. 

Despite that he couldn’t help but wonder why did Eita like him of all people? He didn’t deserve his love. Eita deserves someone better, someone prettier than Kenjirou. Why did the older stay? Why did he stay when he could leave? Why did he put up with him? Why him when he could have anyone he wanted?

Kenjirou could never answer that. And he was too scared to ask the older. As selfish as it sounded, he didn’t want the other to realise how much of a mess he was and leave him. He wasn’t ready for that.

His hands moved down from his forehead and he found their way to his jaw. He ran his slender fingers over his jawline. It felt sharp under his finger but, why did his face look so bloated in the mirror? Did he really look  _ that fat  _ or was the mirror playing tricks on him? Or was his fingers wrong?

It was like his fingers had a mind of their own, they started to caress his cheeks, they didn’t feel  _ that  _ big, then why did they look sagging and chubby in the mirror? Was he going crazy?

And did he  _ always  _ look like this?   
  


The finger moved from his right cheek to the bridge of his nose to the tip. The fat,  _ fat  _ tip. Eita always told him he found his nose “absolutely adorable and button like” (whatever that meant). Eita said he loved it when the caramel haired would scrunched it, he had said “it makes you look like a bunny.” 

But Kenjirou never saw it that way. He concluded that Eita hated it as much as he did but he told him it was ‘cute’ to be nice. That wouldn’t be too far fetched. Eita was nice. He was very nice. In fact, he was too nice to be dating someone like Kenjirou. Why he stayed made no sense to him.

He removed his fingers from his face. And with no hesitations, his fingers traced his lean biceps. It felt wrong to call them that. His arms were stickly, disgustingly stickly. He studied his overall build in the mirror.

His narrow shoulders, his boney limbs, his small stature, his baby-like facial features: they were too odd. It felt odd whenever he would enter the gymnasium and looked at all the teammates. They were all taller, stronger, bulkier. He was short, willowy and overall average. And it also felt odd when he would stare at himself in the mirror in the comfort of his home.

It took him a lot of time and effort to make it to get into Shiratorizawa and then make the team. He should be happy about that, considering the fact that he was the back-up setter. He really should. But he can’t.  _ Eita  _ was the starting setter and for good reasons too. The older might be hot headed and aggressive but that didn’t change the fact that he was more well-rounded and more talented. 

How pathetic. How pathetic he was. He was envious of his  _ boyfriend,  _ he should be supportive.

A tear escaped and fell on to his cheek, racing to the tip of his chin. The caramel haired simply closed both his eyes and exhaled a shaky breath. His eyelids were heavy and warm which helped more tears fall. 

They fell and fell. And Kenjirou didn’t try to stop them. He let them fall. He let them stain his cheeks and race to the edges of his face. There was no point in stopping it.

His eyes were closely shut. He didn’t want to witness the pathetic mess he was.

A sudden epiphany hit him, it was his birthday today.

It was his birthday but why was he crying?

Pathetic. He was a pathetic mess.

_ Knock knock. _

Kenjirou heard knuckles lightly collide with the bathroom door.

“Kenji … you okay? You’ve been in there for a while. Is everything okay?”

Eyes shot open at that familiar sound, trying to get adjusted to the new brightness. More tears escaped. On their own accord, his feet made way to the door. His palm was now against the place he felt the vibrations earlier.

He wanted to hold Eita. he wanted to be held by him. But, he couldn’t let the other see him like this: nose runny and red, eyes swollen and even redder, half-dressed.

“Kenjirou…?” he heard a whisper. Eita must have felt his weight against the door as he slid down onto the floor, face buried in his knees. 

Eita was too nice.

He didn’t deserve him.

He didn’t deserve him.

He didn’t deserve him.

He didn’t deserve him.

**He didn’t deserve him.**

“Kenjirou are you alright? Or do you want me to leave you alone.”

He wanted to answer him. He wanted to tell him to stay forever. He wanted to talk but a lump formed in his throat, stopping any attempts at communication. If he spoke Eita would  _ know  _ he was crying. He couldn’t know. He shouldn’t have to burden himself with Kenjirou’s petty and stupid worries. 

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk. I’ll-I’ll make us breakfast.”

He managed to let out a small “stay.”

Eita must have heard him. Kenjirou felt someone slide down the floor like he did before.

“Of course I’ll stay. I’ll always stay. Just give me the word and I’ll drop everything for you, okay?”   
  


“Why though?”

“What do you mean?” said a confused voice.

“Why stay with  _ me  _ you deserve so much, you’re so- I don’t deser-”

“ **Kenjirou.** Don’t say that, you deserve so much more than me. You deserve the entire universe okay. Let me in okay, I-I wanna hold you.”   
  
“...”

“Only if you’re okay with that.” he quickly added just in case he made the other feel uncomfortable. Eita was considerate like that.

He hesitantly got up and unlocked the door and the boy on the other side stood up at the sound of that. 

He let Eita see him. He let him see his lean and small stature, his wet bangs messily pushed aside showing off his acne, his freckle stained cheekbones and nose, and his fat  _ button-like  _ nose.

Eita embraced him.

_ The warmth.  _ The warmth he got form Eita’s touch was too much, yet too comforting. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve to be held by such an angel. He knew he didn’t deserve it but that didn’t stop him from breaking down in his secure hold. It didn’t stop him from crying into his comforting shoulder. It didn’t stop him from wanting that warmth.

Right now he was just grateful. He was grateful to have someone like him hold the mess that he was.

“I love you bunny. You mean everything to me and you deserve the world.”

Kenjirou couldn’t help but let out a little sob. Eita tightened his hold around his waist and kissed his forehead, then his cheeks, his cheekbones, his nose, his nose bridge and finally, gave a chaste peck on his lips.

“Happy birthday bunny. You can  _ always  _ tell me what’s bothering you whenever you want. It doesn’t have to be now, it doesn’t even have to be today. But be sure to tell me, or anyone for that matter, when you’re ready. But only on your own accord ‘cause I’ll always wait for you.

I’ll always stay by your side and nothing’s gonna stop me from loving you.”

Eita always knew what to say.

For once, Kenjirou let himself enjoy this. He meekly nodded and sniffled, the ghost of a smile lingered on the corners of his mouth.

He loved the boy in front of him. And Eita did say he loved him but even if he didn’t  _ love  _ him. It was clear that he had strong feelings towards him. 

And Kenjirou was okay with that. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me projecting my insecurities on Shirabu and _yes_ I'm a Shirabu kinnie.
> 
> Anywhore, thoughts?? 
> 
> Kudos and comment if you want to, it makes my day and encourages me to write ^-^
> 
> Sooo I wanna ask, should I link my tumblr where you guys can send requests or check fic updates? Cause idk if I should cause I'm ✨ irrelevant ✨
> 
> (umm insert transition sentence) Stay safe I guess AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STAY INSIDE


End file.
